on being pregnant for the very first time.

I bet that someday, I will post about something other than babies. But it will probably be awhile. Anyway, a few days ago, I spent some time talking with my friend Jessica, who recently learned that she's pregnant, and it got me thinking back to almost a year ago when I was pregnant with Ambrose. *nostalgic sigh* I was such a basket case. The day I found out I was pregnant, I was spending the afternoon at my parent's house. "Are you pregnant yet?!," my mom asked me. "No!," I told her, as always, "Stop asking me that!" "Awwww...how do you know?!" She whined like a three year old. "BECAUSE!" "I have a test, come on, just take it. Humor me!," she persisted. "No, mom. That's a waste. You'll have grandbabies someday, I promise. But not now!" A few moments later, she was handing me a pregnancy test that she had dug out of her bathroom closet. "Come on," she said. "Just take it." So I did. "See?," I said, showing her the single line, "No baby." "Well, you haven't waited ten minutes yet, now have you?," she said, plunging her hands into a sink full of dishes. "Just listen to me." I rolled my eyes and stuffed the strip in my pocket. Ten minutes later, I found the test, and tossed it in the trash can. But before walking away, I couldn't help but take a second glance... And, as they say, the rest is history. During the days that followed, I took probably 20 more pregnancy tests (thank goodness they sell them at the dollar store). Just to check. Just to make sure it was real. I collected them on the counter, in a sequence of earliest to most recent, just to see the line grow darker. (Until Matt finally said, "Erin, this is weird and creepy. You have to throw them away.") That was my proof, and I was in disbelief. I ached to hear my baby's heart beating, to feel him move, to have anything to convince me that it wasn't all a dream. That day brought on a startling wave of new fears--ranging from completely neurotic to the most valid, real concern I have ever felt. You hate feeling sick, but worry when you don't feel sick, and when you start feeling sick again you wonder if it's all in your head and if something is really going horribly wrong. You wonder if you're eating enough protein, or are you eating too much? What if you get fat? Does it really matter anyway? You're aftraid to wear your pants too tight, because they might squish the baby (even though you know he's only 1/4 of an inch long). And you wonder why you're so moody. What if you stay that way? What if you turn out to be one of those moms who screams at her kids in the grocery store? Was that a cramp? What if something is wrong? Or is it all in your head? Am I crazy? What if I AM crazy? I can't have a baby if I'm crazy! This is a disaster!!! My world just revolved around being pregnant, and it was a wonderful thing to be consumed with. I spent coutless hours on the internet (worrying), finding pictures of unborn babies (and worrying), researching what new organs my baby would get that week, scouring message boards and chatrooms in search of something, anything that would guarantee me that everything was okay (I was SO worried), to assure me that nothing could take this precious life away from me. Because that was my brand-new, earth-shaking fear. And it hasn't changed since. Anyway, Jess, I hope you're feeling well...and if you're not, I hope you're finding comfort in being sick. And if that doesn't comfort you, at least you know you're not the only one who's felt the way you do. Blessings to you and to your tiny little baby!